|I woke up early
the next day at about 6 AM. After preparing myself for the trip and checking
out the hotel, I went to the car. The first thing I did, after I turned
the car on, was to turn off the devilish navigator, lest I find myself
at the bottom of a lake or a river. I did not need the navigator then,
since I knew my way to Chicago. Instead, I decided to familiarize myself
with the car options and push the car to its limit to evaluate her performance.
I should have done this before, but the erratic behavior of the navigator
denied me this pleasure.
Mercedes from other cars?” I posted this question, several weeks before,
to one of my friends who owned a Mercedes.
He answered: “The
unique thing about this car is that it hugs the ground when you drive,
and the faster you go, the more it hugs. And it feels good!”
Somehow I felt that
this is a disadvantage not an advantage. I felt this car should hug me
not the ground. After all, I paid a huge amount of money for her. This
money is equivalent to the dowry of four brides, and I don’t even get a
hug! Wouldn't you feel bad if your bride decided to hug the ground
instead of you? But it was too late to do anything about it, and I had
to accept my lot.
I pulled out from
parking lot slowly till I reached the main road that took me to I-90 west.
I went to the highway pressing the gas cautiously. While I was merging,
I saw a car coming fast on the lane that I am merging to. I let the car
pass and moved to the left lane. I pressed the gas a little, and behold,
the car started galloping. I felt as if I am in a taking off airplane.
The g-force was pushing my back against the seat; the front end appeared
to be lowered; and I listened to the sound of the engine, but there was
nothing audible. Was the car hugging the ground?
When I looked in
the visor mirror, I saw the car that passed me limping far away like a
toy car. I looked at the front, I found myself on the tail of a new
Honda Accord. The driver of the Honda was a well dressed lady, who changed
her lane to let me pass. I pressed the gas, and I passed Ms. Honda like
a wind. I looked in the mirror again and saw Ms. Honda as if she is moving
backward. I smiled and waved my hand saying: “So long Ms. Honda”
As I pressed the
gas harder, the car became smoother and quieter. The road was open with
no cars in sight. I felt that it is time to test the functions of the buttons
I saw on the dashboard, the seats, and the doors. Under my knee I found
several buttons. I pressed the longest one, but nothing happened. When
I continued pressing, the sides of the seats started to inflate and the
seat encompassed me.
“My goodness, the
car hugs me.” I cried.
I looked at the passenger
seat, and I found the same set of buttons. I realized that this car can
provide hugging services not only to you but also to your significant other.
I pressed one of the button one the dashboard, and in a minute, I found
myself on a hot hugging seat. This is what we can be considered a
truly worm hug.
After this sensation,
I found myself behind a noisy old Dodge. The car was rumbling along, as
if she is gasping for air. She reminded me of my old Chevy. I slowed down
and tailgated her. But the stubborn driver did not yield to my intimidation,
and I had to switch to the right lane to pass him and to avoid suffocation
from the fume of his car. The driver, an old man, looked at me with disgust
and continued driving with the same speed. In my way I passed a Toyota,
a Volvo, a Chevy, a Ford, a Nissan, and many cars. All of them consented
to the superiority of my car, and gave me the right of way.
While I was looking
at my victims in the mirror, I saw in the horizon a silver car. I did not
pay attention to this car, and continued driving feeling that no car would
be able to catch me. I looked in the visor mirror again, and to my shock
I found the silver car tailgating me. I was surprised, but my surprise
did not last after I saw the Tri-star Mercedes emblem on its hood. The
driver was a beautiful woman in her thirties who appeared to be a well
to do professional. She pulled closer to me as a warning to let her pass.
I had no choice but to yield to her wishes. Once I switched to the right
lane, she pulled majestically away making my car shivers. I looked at the
back of the car, and I realized immediately why this car was able to catch
up with me in no time. The car was an AMG E500 Mercedes, with more than
450 HP engine.
As the AMG passed,
I followed her. This was an opportunity for me to check the performance
of the distronic. The AMG increased the seed to 65, 70, 80, 90, 110,
and finally stayed at 120 MPH, and I was on her tail. When I reached her
speed, I set the distronic to that speed.
“Now, if she slows
down mine will follow suit, and if she speeds up again, mine will do likewise,”
I said to myself.
This will not only
allow me to test the device, but will protect me from the police. The police
will detect her first, since she is in front. I knew that this was a devilish
feeling, but I promised myself to feel sorry for her, if she was caught.
I continued following Ms. AMG till we approached the city of Cortland in
NY, when she started to slow down and change to the right lane. I assumed
that she was preparing to exit.
When Ms. AMG moved
to the right lane, my radar sensed that there was no car in front. And
in no time, my car jumped trying to reach the set speed of the distronic
which was 120 MPH. While I was passing the AMG, I glanced at the driver.
She gave me an innocent smile with a noticeable wink. I felt good; after
all we have been road companions for sometime.
While I was trying
to figure out the reason of the smile, I saw something froze the bold in
my veins. I saw a man pointing an RBJ rocket launcher towards me. I focused
on the man and his launcher, and I discovered that this was not an RBJ,
it was even worse; this was a policeman with his laser speed detector.
I pressed the break to slow down the car, but it was too late. The
policeman jumped in his car in an acrobatic move, flashed his light, and
followed me. I knew that I am the culprit, and I have no choice but to
stop on the shoulder. I saw Ms. AMG passing me waving her hand as
if she is saying: “you ate the bait!” I realized now the meaning
of her smile. She set me for bait; she saw the police officer and slowed
down and changed the lane to let me fall into the trap.
The police officer
came to me and said: “Sir, you were driving at 89 MPH, which is too high
for 65 MPH speed limit.” As usual, I pretended that I did not know that
I was speeding. He said politely, “Sir, give me you driver license and
the car registration.” I gave him the paper, and he went to his car to
prepare the ticket.
I looked at the passing
cars and saw the drivers I passed early looking at me with big smiles on
their faces. I saw the Honda, the Toyota, the Nissan, and the rest gloating
with happiness about my bad fortune. Then, I heard the familiar rumbling,
and when I looked behind me I saw the Dodge limping with a dark cloud of
gas behind her. The driver looked at me with a yellow smile that penetrated
my chest and gave me the sign.
The officer handed
me a ticket, with 215 dollars fine, and let me go. I went back on the highway,
but I realized that I cannot speed, or risk arrest if I am caught. This
was the hardest thing. I still have 600 miles to Chicago, how can I drive
all that distance at the speed limit? But, I had to do what I had to do.
After 10 hours of dull driving, I arrived to my home tired. This was not
from driving, but from the dull slow speed I was forced to drive at. After
showing the car to my family and everybody test drove it, I went to sleep
thinking about the erratic behavior of the navigator. But this issue had
wait till the morning, since I needed some sleep badly.
In the morning, I
took the manual from the glove compartment and started reading about setting
the navigator. I discovered the mistake the dealer did when he was setting
the navigator. The original navigator setting was as follows: (a) avoid
free ways, (b) avoid toll ways, “(c) do not avoid Ferry and (d) avoid tunnels.
The dealer changed the setting to (a) do not avoid free ways, (b) do not
avoid toll ways, “(c) avoid Ferry and (d) do not avoid tunnels, and then
he pressed the “OK” button. What I discovered was that pressing the “OK”
button does not change the old setting to the new setting; it will keep
the old setting valid. What he should have done was to press the “Back”
button to activate the new setting.
As can be seen, according
to the old setting, the navigator was required to avoid free ways, toll
ways, and tunnels, but take ferry. For this reason, the navigator was driving
me on local roads, avoiding the highway. It appears that the navigator
was taking me to Canada to find a ferry to dump be on it. This may also
explains driving close to water for a hope of finding a ferry. I
looked at the navigator DVD, and I found it was a burned copy of an old
edition of Mercedes DVD. The dealer appears to have the habit of taking
the original DVD from cars to sell them on eBay for several hundred dollars.
Then he put instead a burned copy in the car. This explains the incidents
of the bridge and the dumpster. It seems that the bridge was under repair
and the motel was demolished after the disc was created, hence the navigator
did not know that the bridge is closed and the motel became a dump.
After realizing these
facts, I felt relieved. At least no one is after my life. The only
thing I want to try now is to set the distronic on, and take a nap to see
what will happen. I promise to write about this experience in another article,
if I am still alive.
One Part - Two
Part - Three